A Pox on Fridays
by Aservis Roturier
Summary: First days of anything are hell. So what's your first day in Hell like? More of the sameX10. UPDATE: haldolhs (great writer; check her out!) declared herself in danger of 'asploding' if she didn't get to see Asmodeus (Sebastian's father) so we collaborated to bring you chapter 3 (though it is mostly hers.)
1. Chapter 1

A/N almost forgot to give GarGoyl, another Kurofanfic writer and good friend, credit for inspiring the coliseum style Chess Tuesdays. Go read her Kuroshitsuji stories and you'll see why (hint: it's the one set in Hell-though the other one's good too.)

* * *

It was just another day in Hell: hot dry and full of screaming, when a portal opened and La Phantomhive and his now permanently-attached butler were spat out onto what passed for Times Square in the middle of Hell (or Infernum, as the locals called it.) Ciel found himself trip-skid-tumbling down the side of a lumpy coal-studded slag heap wreathed in sulfurous fumes. After about 15 seconds of resistance the pint-sized demon gave up and just let himself roll like a loose hubcap to the bottom-it wasn't like he could die from a fall at this point.

Finally he (and a lot of little clinker imps he'd swept up on his way down landed thump on the hot) cracked earth with a loud WHUMPH! The imps giggled and skipped off back to the slag heap. Ciel remained prone, groaning. The other demons and nether creatures stared but gave the newcomers a wide berth in case they turned out to be important or powerful.

Sebastian, of course, took no part of this ignominious entrance. He landed lightly beside his rumpled master and did his best not to laugh out loud. Ciel rose up on the third try, slapped the servant's hands away from him and immediately ordered his butler to hit himself in the groin with all his strength six times in revenge for all the giggling he was doing at Ciel's expense.

Sebastian (still suppressing giggles) reluctantly complied (and privately told himself it was worth every ounce of pain to see his lord go arse over teacup.) He then shook off the unpleasant sensation, shivered his way into his true form and then addressed his little master with his patented fake smile (Rictus Horribilis, patent-pending) affixed to his face.

"And now that we have arrived, what would my lord care to do on his first official day in Hell? Bit of sightseeing? Spot of torturing sinners? Mmm, kicking dogs, pinching toddlers, teasing nuns..." the demon butler checked the pocket watch which had now become a permanent part of his true form and said "it's about 4 o'clock topside, would you care to sit down to a nice cup of lava and some rock cakes to sharpen your fangs on?"

The boy cringed, covered his mouth and decided tea time in Hell was definitely not his thing. "What else is there to do down here? You know the sort of things I like Sebastian..."

"Well, Hell can be a fun place. For demons, at least. There are actually quite a lot of organised activities."

"Really." The boy said dryly.

"You have no idea how much trouble a whole world of bored demons can get up to. Best to keep them busy, is what the leaders have concluded after eons of experience."

The boy stood a moment picturing demons playing shuffleboard, croquet and cricket and then said "Mmnno, I doubt it would be anything I'd be interested in."

"Well young master, not so fast. Let's see... what is today?"

"You know very well what day it is. It's Tuesday."

"Oh good. In that case would my lord perhaps fancy a game or two of chess?"

"They have chess tournaments down here?!"

"But of course. Chess is about destroying your opponents-where do you think the game came from? Here though, we play with live pieces in a coliseum. You just round up the proper number of sinners, rope them together and head over... _there_," the tall demon shaded his eyes and pointed off to his right. "That's the coliseum, see? You just get in line and when it's your turn put your pieces on the board, warn them they'll be vapourised if they make any move you don't order, and see how long you can last! Quite exciting really, what with the stand full of howling demons cheering and booing you, not to mention throwing things."

"Hmm..." the demonic earl tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well perhaps later, what else is there?"

"Well, I know you used to enjoy an occasional flutter on the ponies,"

"They have horse races?"

"We have races."

"But not horses?"

"Nothing you'd recognise as a horse, no."At that moment a pair of demonic forms rode up side by side to the crossroads on a pair of moving mountains. The two demons were yelling at each other furiously. When they were dead centre where the two roads crossed, one stood up on his saddle and shouted something Ciel couldn't make out then walloped his beast with a thing that resembled a giant horsewhip. The beast promptly reared up and let go an earth-shattering roar. A blast of flames shot from its mouth, and when the smoke and noise dissipated both the other demon and about half _his_ beast had disappeared. The remaining smoking husk toppled over, blocking the intersection in all directions.

."Is that one of the-"

"Y-yes, my lord."

"So again, nothing like its namesake on earth."

"No, but tomorrow _is_ Race Day. Most participants need at least a week to get over the _last_ Race Day, if they get over it at all."

"I see. And Thursdays?"

"Corporate Takeover Day."

"And is it-"

"Actually it's _exactly_ the same as it is on earth. You'll fit right in. You'd be amazed how many big businesses of earth are actually owned and run by demons."

"No I wouldn't," said the boy with a perfectly straight face. "What about Fridays then?"

"My Lord... how do you feel about..."

"...about?"

"I didn't serve you long enough to really need to teach you anything about sexual relations, but I suppose it will come as no great shock to you that amongst our kind, pretty much anything goes in that department. We're very non-judgmental. Anything you can imagine, anyone and any _thing_ you can tackle and bend to your will is considered fair game in Hell when it comes to sex."

The boy snorted prissily and made an ugly face. "Disgusting... I have no interest whatever in any of that sex nonsense."

Sebastian's mouth curled ever so slightly at the corners and suddenly there was a certain dangerous gleam in his eyes as he said, "Well then, my Lord, I'm afraid you are going to _really hate_ Fridays."


	2. Chapter 2

_It was the earnest plea of certain ffnetnutters, 'PearlM21', 'Midnight Self' and in particular, one 'Aqua Lilly' that I expand the borders of Infernum-and I was fond of the place myself. The latter person also offered the fertile idea of including Hellhounds, which suggestion gave birth, as 'twere, to this scatological tale.- I was fresh out of ideas, you see, hence my cheerful welcome of 'Lilly's. And it fit in so well with the second chapter of 'Carnivorous Butler,' too, so...well. In the end I simply had to do it. _

_I'm a big Betty fan, me._

_This is also a love letter of sorts to one 'Hank Becks' who has been a doughty and indispensable support to me in a number of my recent adventures. My dear Hank: may you one day make that 'doll of your dreams' your very own._

_Lastly a heartfelt thank you to Toboso-sensai herself for never giving up on that phantom butler who persistently teased the outskirts of her imagination so many years, demanding his tale be told._

….

"Wh— Sebas— whatthel— sto-STOP it!" cried the pint-sized demon as his eternal manservant tried for several different handholds only to be slapped away like a pesky mosquito on a hot summer's night. And as one might imagine, what with the former earl's appetite for sweets, if there was one thing Ciel Phantomhive was intimately knowledgeable of, it was smacking away hungry mosquitos from his noble person.

But the butler would not be put off. In apparent desperation, Sebastian finally chose survival over propriety and grabbed his little master around the middle like a stroppy, uncooperative sack of flour and took off with him like— well, like the proverbial bat out of Hell, really.

…though why any bat should want _out _of a place where he was revered as the national symbol is anybody's guess.

Be that as it may, Ciel couldn't help but notice as he was bobbling along on his butler's bony hip, there was a peculiar air of desperation about his Hell-of-a-butler's current hasty skedaddling.

Ciel wasn't entirely certain he'd ever _seen_ Sebastian 'skedaddle' before. Nor could he imagine a reason the demon would ever need to. In Ciel's mind Sebastian was invincible. Bullet-proof. He'd never had to run like this before, not in all the time Ciel had known him.

But there was truly no other word for what Sebastian was doing right now, haring along as if all the hounds of Hell were hot on his scent— and who knew? Perhaps they were. And damn himself for a dwarf, but if he didn't know better Ciel could swear his butler was _running scared, _actually seriously _afraid_ of something-or perhaps it was of some_one_. He did keep casting rather harried looks over his shoulder. as he ran.

Quite distracted too: he certainly wasn't paying a blind bit of mind to any of Ciel's attempts to get him to improve the boy's awkward position, stop or put him down, never mind explaining himself.

"So _help_ me demon, if you do not—"

"Anything you'd like young master," the butler gasped out as he ran- "anything at all, just as soon as we are well out of this particular neighbourhood!"

And so they pounded on at full demonic speed, hell-for-leather down a steep cobbled incline and through a massive black gate. Then they skidded, scrabbling for purchase and leaning hard round the bend of a vast shoulder of stone just as a crazed howling broke out behind them-far too close behind them for Ciel's comfort. An unnatural voice which reminded Ciel of his demon's when they'd first met- a strange, echo-y voice crying out of something entirely foreign, about fifty times the strength of Sebastian's voice and sounding royally hacked off.

Sebastian blanched, put his head down and ran even harder.

A few miles down the road, the demon finally slowed, then stopped and set the boy back on his own feet again. He himself sat down on a low stone wall that edged the uneven roadway, panting for breath.

"What in _Hell_ was _that_ about?! And since when do you get winded?"

"Since I needed to get the Hell away from my father, all right?" the butler panted out,,, clearly annoyed.

"Your father!"

"Oh what. Did you think I hatched from a bezoar?"

"Well yes, actually, or something equally bizarre."

"Well. Sorry to disappoint." There was a brief pause filled with panting and the sound of an earl groaning as he examined his bruised middle.

"I thought that voice sounded familiar. Are you going to explain the need of treating me like baggage, ignoring orders and running off like a damn fool, or am I going to have to beat it out of you?"

Sebastian resisted the severe temptation of pointing out that's exactly what Ciel was: baggage of the worst possible sort, the sort you cannot get shed of, and instead, returned in a softly lethal tone with a murderous glare: "with respect, _Master_, I'm a great deal more concerned about angering HIM than I am _you_,"

Which effectively shocked the boy into a sullen silence.

After a few more moments to collect himself, Sebastian began to explain.

"Perhaps you recall, my Lord, those halcyon days when Betty the tiger was living with us,"

"…yes, and that damned dog Pluto,"

"Hell hound, to be precise,"

"Don't be," Ciel snapped.

"At any rate, shortly after Betty's advent, Finny and I both noticed a very peculiar thing beginning to happen all around the mansion grounds…" and there he paused with a heavy sigh.

"Well? Yes, go on…"

"It is rather indelicate Master, I am endeavouring to think of a polite way to—"

"I don't. _Care_. Just. Go **_on_**."

"Fine, I shall try not to mince words. What Finney and I noticed were great gaping holes ssuddenly opening up all around the mansion grounds. "

"_Holes." _

Sebastian barked out a humourless laugh. "For a short time, I entertained the rather amusing idea that Pluto was so eager to escape Betty's 'attentions' that he was trying to dig his way back home."

"And you find that funny, do you…"

The butler cleared his throat a bit self-consciously.

"Would you have found it funny if the paw had been on the other… the other… damn it, you _know_ what I mean!"

"Point taken, sir. To discover exactly what _was _happening I relieved Mae Rin of her duties next day and set her upon the roof to watch what was really happening and had Finny serve as a sort of temporary dogsbody* to prevent the watch from suffering in case she should a break for the WC or need sooomethinng such as water, a parasol for th—"

"GET ON WITH IT."

" My lord I wonder if you're aware of the fact there is no more noxious or corrosive excrement known to humankind than what issues out of the south end of a northbound cat?"

"Hmph… not the _least_ surprised. I have yet to forget the incident of 'the curious incident of the farting cat in the night-time,'*^ when your favourite stray somehow got into the house and spent the entire night being flatulent and incontinent while hiding herself inside of _my_ _mattress_. In the morning I reember asking you whether there was any chance a Hellmouth had opened up under my bed overnight!"

"I recall. I would, however, wager you did _not_ know that Hellhounds enjoy the exact same unfortunate reputation amongst demons in the infernal regions."

"Pfft. Still not surprised."

"Yes well. Given there is no nastier excrement known to demon kind than that of a Hellhound, and given there is no larger cat on the Material Plane than a tiger*, and thus no droppings quite so potent, it's a wonder none of us thought seriously about it, If we had we might possibly have foreseen what would happen when those two species, who were never meant to meet, were brought together at the manor and got into a predictable and quite literal 'pissing contest'."

"Oh god, no…"the boy closed his eyes as his face bloomed a strident shade of puce.

"MaeRin reported when not engaged in attempting to shred one another into bloody ribbons, the two animals were obsessively following one another around, marking over top of one another's droppings as scent markers. When a spot had received sufficient 'attention' from them both, the droppings began to smoke. Soon a sulphurous plume could be seen rising over the spots. MaeRin sent Finny and Bard down to investigate.

"…and this woulld be when Bard turned up with all his hair inexplicably burnt off, am I right Sebastian?."

"Yes,my lord," he sighed. "She really should have known better. Bard 'investigated' by shooting one of his thrice damned flamethrowers down one of the holes and quickly got exactly what he deserved."

"The fumes ignited?"

"The fumes ignited. The two beasts' unwitting cooperation combined and burnt a hole clear through."

"Clear through to—" the boy asked, then blanched in understanding.

"Yes, my Lord. Clear through to _down here_. And since my father is lord of the first circle, he took great exception to his ceiling being riddled with holes and his never-ending orgy being interrupted by an intermittent rain of toxic, flaming sh—"

At that moment the eerie voice rang out again, accompanied by what seemed to be a pack of baying hounds. "Especially when he discovered where it was coming from and who had ultimately caused it." The baying was getting closer. "That'll be my Father Aeshma briinging Cerberus and my two brothers. We should probably…"***

"Cerberus."

"Yes,"

_The_ Cerberus…"

Yes…"

"With the…" Ciel waved his arms vaguely around his head.

"Yes _that_ Cerberus. With three times the teeth, as well."

"And your father's name was what? A-esh-what? I feel I should've said 'bless you' though that really _would_ be ridiculous." Both demons had started looking distracted and glancing over their shoulders nervously as the sounds of pursuiit grow louder. They got to their feet and started walking.

"You are probably more familiar with the name Asmodeus.. Prince of the second circle, the demon of Lust?" thee butler gave a teisted littlle smile. "Thing is, there really neever was a 'first circle, a 'Limbo.' Merely a Church idea. There are really only seven levels. and they correspond with the seven Princes.. My father's realm is on top and closest to the Human world... in a number of senses."

"Ye-eah. Sebastiaan, we should really…" Ciel started as things suddenly went quiet.

"Yes my lord we really should," said the nervous butler as he suddenly scooped up his master, Hell-bent on more high-speed skedaddling.

Down the road Sebastian mused, almost to himself. "I wonder what things are like in the reaper's realm about now," whereon his young master tried very hard to give him a good sound walloping.

**_A/N ACK! Fool of an author,I forgot my footnotes! Here they are for any who care:_**

*Dogsbody: A servant's servant.

*^ "The case of cat who farted in the night-time" is Ciel's snarky reference to Sherlock Holmes' words about 'the curious incident of dog in the night-time' from the Sherlock Holmes short story "Silver Blaze." When Watson retorted "but the dog did _nothing_ in the night-time!" Holmes availed himself of a lightning quick Sebastian-esque smirk before replying "_that_ is the curious incident." It's pretty plain who the wordsmith _really_ based Holmes on. Unlike the dog, however, Sebastian's cat seems to have striven, after tunneling into Ciel's mattress, to do everything felinely possible in the night-time, leading to the 'deflowered' mattress being the chief ingredient in that year's official Phantomhive Bonfire, a week later. As "Silver Blaze" was published in 1894, we gain a bit of insight as to how much time's passed since the Young Master and his demon butler have been knocking about together before coming to Infernum. Was Sebastian avoiding someone? Kekekeke… There's also the implication Ciel knows very well Sebastian's reading the stories secretly and just as avidly as he is, recognising himself in the character and being very amused at how a certain author views him.

**Contrary to popular impression, Betty was a Siberian, not a Bengali tiger. Top weight for a Bengal female is around 160kg/350lbs though most are a lot less. Siberians are longer/taller and outweigh Bengals being closer to 181kg/400lbs, the largest felines still alive on the planet. One wonders if, in those early eras. the creature who was to become 'Sebastian' practiced his skedaddling skills by chasing down sabretooths, pinning them down and thoroughly wubbling them.

***His Father Asmodeus, Lord of Lust, (from the second circle, according to Dante,) was a cambion, a succubus' son (and it really shows in the familial inclinations!) with a humaan father. This means Senastian's Grandmother would be a very interesting to demon to know! His elder brother is the demon from the manga 'Aijin Incubus,' and his younger is from that other one, Kane, from "Sex Therspist."the club/bar where the lithe young barkeep takes on the appearance of the one you love but cannot have. If you're familiar with either you'll immediately spot the familial resemblances.

So Sebastian, with a prince of Hell for a father as well as both human and incubus blood in his ancestry is an interesting hybrid possessed of all the freakish strength typical of a hybrid and with so much potential in so many different directions— 'splains SO much!


	3. Chapter 3

It seemed like they had been running forever. Considering there was no sun in this infernal place, much less a sunrise, sunset or anything else to mark the passage of time, it was difficult to really tell with any kind of accuracy, but Ciel felt they must've been running non-stop for at least a week, and in circles at that. Thrice now, they'd passed the coliseum where Sebastian claimed the Hellions played their gruesome brand of chess. Ciel knew, because each time they approached the ginormous oval, which appeared to be constructed of some sort of sizzling, sparking, seething red rock, Sebastian would point and pant, "There, Young Master! We can't stop now, but perhaps when Tuesday rolls 'round again we'll take in a tourney!"

"Idiot! Stop! PUT. ME. DOWN." Ciel would bellow, arms and legs flailing as he tried to punch and kick any part of Sebastian he could reach, which was aggravatingly little, considering he was tucked tight beneath Sebastian's arm and the ridiculous ponce was running so hell-for-leather it was nearly impossible for Ciel to direct his limbs against the wind drag. He may have accidentally connected a toe to Sebastian's calf at one point, but it was probably just wishful thinking.

His demands were acknowledged only with Sebastian's new catch phrase, "We can't stop now!" While Ciel had never been particularly fond of "I'm simply one _Hell _of a butler," he much preferred Sebastian's smug and annoying double entendre to its successor, which sounded like the deranged motivational slogan of a panicked psychotic.

A day, a week, a month, a year, a century . . . could be everyone he knew up topside was dust in their graves by now. It certainly _felt _like they'd been circling this ring off Hell for a _Hell _of a long time. All Ciel knew for certain was the friction of Sebastian's arm had worn straight through his topcoat, waistcoat and his fine linen shirt, and was now chafing the skin of Ciel's left flank. It didn't hurt exactly—not yet, but it was mightily annoying. Besides, surely Sebastian's lunatic father and brothers had exhausted their rage, grown bored, and given up the chase by now, right? Lucifer knew _Ciel _was bored, at any rate. It had been at least an aeon or two since he'd last heard Cerberus' growls or Asmodeus' guttural curses. The only thing he could hear now was the rush of wind and the cackling laughter of Hell's denizens, who had taken to lining their path, jeering and hurling insults (and dung) at them as they flew by.

_Enough_, Ciel thought angrily. Clenching his fists and gritting his teeth, Ciel did what the half-pint CEO did best: he made an executive decision. Mustering up every last drop of his formidable will, he took a deep, burning breath of sulphur-laden air and bellowed "Sebastian! This is an ORDER: stop running and put me down. NOW!"

The fierce wind stopped howling instantly but Hell continued spinning like a chaotic, vomit-inducing carousel— or at least it seemed that way to Ciel. His feet touched ground and instantly the smouldering earth came rushing up to meet his face a split-second before he realized he'd gone from standing on his own two feet to eating ash and demon dung.

"Baftrrd," he cursed through the gravel, clutching his whirling head with numb hands as he rolled onto his back and glared up at the five pissed-off Sebastians weaving and swaying above him.

"Fool. Now you've done it!" Sebastian seethed, reaching down to jerk Ciel up off the ground by his topcoat's wind-frayed lapels. "How long do you think you'll last in Hell after Father feeds me to that damned three-headed dog of his? Oh wait, wait. _That's_ right! Never mind. Forgive **_me_**, _My Lord._ For a moment there, I'd completely forgot about my _brothers_ who mean to pass you back and forth between themselves until there's nothing left. Only _then_ will Father serve you up as an appetizer to Cerberus!"

Ciel fought the urge to smack Sebastian's grasping hands from his person, knowing without them he'd topple straight back on his face again. While he waited to regain his sense of balance, he settled for assaulting his moronic servant with a smug, malicious grin. "They stopped chasing us ages ago you arse-brained moron!"

Rage twisted Sebastian's comely face into a visage that might have caused Ciel to shudder if he wasn't every inch as enraged himself. He opened his mouth to order Sebastian do something _really_ unpleasant to himself before then doing something even _more_ unpleasant to himself, when he was rudely interrupted.

"The scrawny midget is right, it is," something hissed from behind them. "His Highness said sommat about needing a shower and the two princes buggered off to take Cerby back to the palace for a nosh and a nap two revolutions ago. But don't stop now, idiot prince. I made a wager and you haven't reached my number yet."

Ciel pulled out of Sebastian's loosening grip and spun unsteadily on his heel to confront… a pair of … somethings. Two vaguely humanoid things with oblong, scaly heads and huge, bulging eyes were leering down at him.

"Who are you calling 'midget,' Lizard Gob? Why don't you go find that rock of yours and crawl back under?"

"Pissy little squit, innit?" said Lizard-y Thing One.

"It talks tough, but it'll chew soft enough, I wager," Lizard-y Thing Two growled. Ciel was getting an inkling Lizard-y Thing Two just might be harbouring a gambling addiction.

"Sid," Sebastian sighed. "For the love of Lucifer, take Nancy and go home, now. Unless you really fancy the idea of gorging on your own tails _again_. I see they've finally grown back."

"See? I told you he was still an asshole," Lizard Gob Two muttered, shooting Sebastian a withering glare as it grasped hold of the stumpy arm of its partner with a thumb-less, green-skinned hand. "Let's go, Luv. Let him have his scrappy ikkul scrap. His ass will be grass soon enough."

"And then we'll roll it up and smoke it!" Lizard Gob One cackled. It let its partner pull it away into the vast landscape of smouldering rock.

Ciel watched them go with relief. Just before he turned his face away Ciel caught sight of a long, thick, _blue_ tongue come shooting out the corner of L.G. One's mouth, reach all the way up and lick its own eye. _Ew_, Ciel thought, _Must be one of Faustus' relatives_.

"What in bloody Hell was that?" Ciel blinked hard, resisting the urge to rub his eyes with his grime-streaked hands as he stared after the pair of bizarre, reptilian-humanoid _things._

"That? Caterwaulers. They enjoy a certain celebrity for being the loudest things in this Circle, but . . . never mind them! We have to get out of here!"

"Oh no you don't!" Ciel yelled, jumping back out of the reach of Sebastian's sweeping arm. He was so surprised by his own speed and agility he nearly tripped over himself in awe. "No more running, Sebastian. You heard Sid and Nancy. Your father got bored watching you chase your own arse and went home. I suggest we do the same. I'm filthy, half-naked and you've destroyed my only set of clothing."

"Home?!" Sebastian barked a curt laugh. "What a perfectly awful idea, My Lord."

"Oh? Let me guess: you're actually a slob, aren't you, Sebastian. Or worse yet, Hell's version of the crazy cat lady," Ciel sneered. "That's it, isn't it? You live in a piss-soaked one-room shack with a hundred and fifty damned cats and a dirt floor littered with old soul wrappers!"

"Yes, very funny My Lord. Your wit astounds us all."

"Or is it you're still living in Daddy's basement rec room with no proper job or visible means of support? Do you live in a shabby old travel trailer, Sebastian? With a meth lab for company, down by the Styx?"

"Now is not the time for your delightsome flights of fancy, Young Master," Sebastian's nervous gaze darted over the horizon again. "We need to get you hidden somewhere safe, and I'm afraid my manor is not the—"

"Manor? You have a _manor_?" Ciel demanded, his hands fisting as he crossed his arms over his chest. "What a load of bollocks; you do _not_ have a manor. Or if you do, I bet it has all the charm of a slack sphincter. _Pfft!_ You _wish_ you had a manor." The boy folded his arms over his chest and turned to see if, perchance, he could still spot Sid and Nancy scampering away through the yellow fume and general gloom. After a moment's thought he said "Tell me then: is it anything like _my_ manor, Sebastian? Well, is it?"

"Well, yes, I suppose, something like," Sebastian shook his head. "Except it's thrice as big, has a myriad of competent servants… and _it's __**tastefully**_ decorated. No garish renderings of fat, gaudy kings in oil claiming every inch of wall space, for example. Really, My Lord, sometimes less is more."

"Well, grand!" Ciel itched to throttle the arrogant ponce. "Can't wait to see it! Take me there at once!"

"Really, that's not the wisest idea. With respect, sir, I beg you,'" Sebastian said, avoiding Ciel's glare. If the former earl didn't know any better, he'd say his eternal butler looked absolutely sheepish. "You see, my father holds the deed and therefore my wards are useless against him. He doesn't require the standard invitation which prevents acknowledged guests from bursting into flames the moment they set foot on the estate. In fact it's quite possib—"

"Shut up, Sebastian." The boy barked. So this was how it was going to be from now on, was it? A constant stream of direct orders necessary to control this daddy-whipped version of his formerly not-this-big-an-idiot demon. How utterly tiresome. He sincerely hoped his eye didn't wear out. "This is an ORDER! Take me to your so-called 'manor' right now!"

Ciel both heard and felt Sebastian's roar of frustration when his face abruptly smashed into his butler's sulphur-dusted shirtfront as the demon scooped him up again and locked him in a bone-crushing embrace. Once more the wind howled and Ciel experienced a near faint-inducing sense of vertigo as he struggled to free himself.

"Bathturd!" Was Ciel's muffled curse as he hammered his fists against Sebastian's torso and cried out with every ounce of strength he possessed, "Nooo!LemmeGOOOOooomph!"

Ciel's voice rang out, finishing in a pained grunt as he found himself bouncing on his bum against some sort of hard surface. Wincing against an impact which would have shattered a human spine, the boy was left shocked and gasping for air he didn't really need. But it was the humiliation that galled him more than anything. Sebastian would pay and pay dearly, he resolved, as he gave his spinning head a shake to try and clear it. But just as he got to the point where he thought he could stand again he heard _it_…

"Well well, the prodigal son returns," said an ethereal voice so lyrical, so rich and sinfully delicious-sounding it made Sebastian seem like Lizzie at her worst. "So considerate of you to finally drop by."

There were only four Sebastians this time when Ciel looked up, none of them blurred or swaying. They weren't all exactly identical either, but close, _very_ close. Three very familiar sets of crimson eyes were leering down at him as he hid behind the paltry wall of Sebastian's protective stance. He could feel a minute trembling within the square of his butler's shoulders that Ciel found more than a little unnerving. _The Hell with pride,_ he thought, as he scooted his sore arse close enough to Sebastian's backside to grasp a handful of pant-leg and hang on.

It was about now he realised they were no longer out-of-doors, but in a building of some sort. It slowly dawned on the ex-earl as his eyes travelled up, and up and _up_, past the vast twin black crystal chandeliers overhead, to the two iron maidens-mere decorative bumps in the wrought iron chains that looked like they might once have had something like the _Campagne_ attached to one end. Up and off into the shadows soaring overhead he could dimly spy carved wooden beams, blackened with age and softened by cauls of ancient, dust-laden cob webbing much too far off for anyone to bother cleaning away. It was then the truth broke like dawn breaching the horizon that this massive space was just the foyer of the 'mansion' Sebastian had mentioned. Ciel realised his butler had actually _played_ _down_ the size of the place.. The foyer alone looked like it could contain the whole of the Phantomhive mansion's west wing, roof, chimneys and all. Suddenly the boy's face was burning with shame.

Uncomfortable as he was, it was the 'tasteful décor' that gave Ciel a real turn as he glanced around. The place bore a more than passing resemblance to that creepy courtyard of the Green Witch's which was chock-a-block with ancient instruments of torture.

Ciel spotted clubs, morning stars, swords and twisted looking things on long poles mounted all over the walls, free-standing stocks, pillories, prangers and racks, Judas cradles, more iron maidens, and case after case of shrew's fiddles, choke pears, knee splitters, thumb screws, scold's bridles and things he couldn't even begin to guess uses for, never mind the names. They all bore the same disturbing marks of wear and stains of actual use, that raised the hair on the back of the boy's neck.

"Father," Sebastian said firmly, belying the quiver Ciel felt in the hard calf beneath his fists. "Rei. Kain. You all look… well. Please accept my utmost apologies for my unkempt appearance and lack of hospitality. I've only just returned from 'topside,' as I'm sure you know, and have not yet had time to prepare for guests."

"We're not guests. We're family, _brother," _said the more heavily muscled Sebastian-esque demon standing to the right of the gorgeous but glowering creature, a taller, squarer-jawed, ridiculously flawless version of Ciel's butler with a midnight torrent of heavy, softly waved hair, a creature who radiated so much raw power he could only be Asmodeus himself. "And it would seem you've brought us back a present! "Rei continued, "how thoughtful and generous. He seems…" and here Rei took a deep breath, "mmm, absolutely _tantalizing."_

Ciel felt himself blanch as Sebastian's brother gave him a sniff followed by a rather _suggestive _wink and a lecherous grin that turned into a ball of ice and dropped into Ciel's gut with a deadly _thud. _It was about then the former earl considered that perhaps, just this once, he might have made the _wrong_ executive decision. He started to sweat and clutched his butler's pant-leg tighter.

"Really brother," the lesser, willowy, vaguely feminine Sebastian to Asmodeus' left sighed and shook his pretty head. "He's a little young, even for _you_ Rei, don't you think? Why, he's barely old enough to have felt his first stirrings of desire, much less the hot-blooded lust necessary to feed the likes of us."

"Sebastian! What's he mean, 'the likes of us'? What's wrong with them?!"

"They are incubii, My Lord. They draw their sustainence from... _sexual_ energy rather than souls. I would advise you to keep your distance." This news drove the former earl into a foetal position, wrapped around his butler's heel.

"You always were the lazy one, Kain, preferring to feed off men's cravings for others rather than cultivating their desire for _you." _Rei puffed out his chest and sneered. "Our brother has brought us an ambitious undertaking. Fortunately, _I _am _up_ to the task, heh, and I _do_ mean **_up_**." Whereon he huffed a sort of 'whough' sound and blew dark auric matter from his nostrils, demonstrating just how keen he was to get on with things.

"We-ell," Kain replied with a slow, languid grin, "I suppose it _is_ Friday…"

Speaking of untoward _stirrings, _Ciel felt quite flushed all over beneath the combined lecherous gazes of Sebastian's perverted family, and he didn't care for the sensation _at all. _"Sebastian," he huffed as he pulled himself to his feet, "Your idiot brothers seem to have mistaken me for some lascivious damsel from one of those smutty novels Mey-Rin is so fond of. Correct their inane assumptions immediately."

Sebastian turned on his heel so fast he nearly knocked Ciel flat again, and now there were four sets of crimson eyes searing him. How interesting that it was only Sebastian who _wasn't _eyeing him as if he'd like to tear Ciel apart and gorge on his tasty giblets. "If I told that woman once I must have told her a thousand times: _Mey Rin,_ _do not to leave those blasted filthy books lying about for the young master to see_. Not that I imagined you'd actually ever _read _any of them. Young Master. Honestly! "

"_Master!? _Did he just call that scrumptious little tart just—" Rei began.

"_Sebastian, _eh? I had a client named Sebastian once," Kain started. "He was _so_ depraved, I simply couldn't begin to…"

"…appalled that you would ever stoop so low as to…"

"… very smooth, though, but with knotty veins like ropes all over…"

They were all talking at once, their rich, silken voices combining to effect a host of curious, alarming sensations within Ciel, seemingly dissolving his bones into so much wobbly gelatine. He felt certain he'd be a puddle of mindless goo within moments. Squeezing his eyes shut, he instinctively clapped his hands over his ears and took a huge breath with which to scream bloody murder.

"Enough!"

Asmodeus's command cut throughout the vast room, shaking loose a fine sifting of soot from somewhere overhead and effectively silencing his sons. Ciel opened his eyes to see Rei and Kain shrinking back behind a growing shroud of writhing, crackling darkness emanating from their father. Sebastian turned to face the Lord of the Realm, shoving Ciel behind the iffy protection of his back once more.

"You!" Asmodeus thundered, writhing curls of dark aether shooting from his nostrils with every impassioned snort. Ciel peered out from beneath Sebastian's arm and saw the God of Lust shimmering, morphing, expanding, his magnificent beauty swiftly mutating into something so gob-smackingly grotesque even his Hell-born sons had to look away. "You have always insisted on defying me! That you, the strongest and most beautiful of my sons, would choose to serve Vengeance over Lust was affront aplenty, but now you've gone and made _me_ the laughing stock of Hell by getting yourself eternally indentured to that… that…" He gestured wildly at Ciel with at least six arms, only one of which sported anything like a human hand (with a long, spiked blue-green tail sprouting out of the wrist.)

"But even _that_ was not enough for _you_, was it? No! No. You just _had_ to add personal insult to injury by raining down a steaming load of toxic excrement on my head! I'll have you know it took the blood of six virgins just to neutralize the acid, and the blood of another dozen to heal my burns! Seventeen!"

"Eighteen, Father."

"Eighteen!"Asmodeus instantly amended.

"He always was shite at maths…"

"D'you hear me you worthless…" another snort. Aether and fire this time. "_Eighteen _forever uncorrupted virgins lost to us, all because I was fool enough to dally with Lilith and sire a spoiled rotten brat! Well, guess what, Sonny Boy? I'm long overdue for teaching you some discipline, but better late than never! A century or two over my knee ought to do for a start, don't you agree?"

Asmodeus now sported three heads to go with his six arms, one of which was breathing fire. His body had become a gigantic nausea-inducing amalgam of animalistic horrors, in which the heads and arms were sprouting up out of something vaguely resembling a lion sporting dragon-esque bat wings and a quiver full of pissed-off vipers for a tail. His rage was so palpable Ciel felt the fine hair on his arms singeing. Only one thought kept the little earl on his feet and that was the possibility of seeing his smug, arrogant butler get a bare-arsed hiding over his demonic daddy's knee.

While the thought of seeing Sebastian humiliated was beyond delightful, Ciel had the sinking suspicion Daddy Dearest intended first to liberate the wayward fruit of his loins from the shackles of their eternal contract before he bared his boy's beauteous backside.

This was bad. Very, very bad indeed. _Think, Ciel, think! Bare bottomed butle—NO, damn it, Focus! How in Hell are we getting out of __**this**__ one?_

"Now," Asmodeus boomed, "hand over that abomination clinging to your pant leg and let us begin!"

With that, Ciel climbed his quaking butler like a tree, wrapped his arms around his neck in an iron choke hold and screamed in Sebastian's ear, "Reaper realm! It's an ORDER! Take us to the Reaper's realm now, right NOW!"


End file.
